She's not you
by Sophs009008
Summary: Clarke goes to visit her fathers grave, after everything that happened that evening she needs peace. But thats soon interrupted by a certain someone, one that has broken her heart unknowingly more times than Clarke can count. A Clexa One-Shot


Clarke stood before her fathers grave. Her eyes flickering over the engraved script.

Jake Griffin

1963-2010.

A beloved Husband and Father

Missed by all

R.I.P

She had become increasingly familiar with the writing, memorising it off by heart. Having visited this place numerous times before.

In the first year after her fathers death, Clarke didn't visit his gravestone once. Knowing that when she did, she would have to accept the fact that he was gone. And it broke her to do that.

But after she realised that dwelling on the past wasn't the way to move on, she visited his grave more than anyone else. More times than her mother.

His grave was placed under an old oak tree, giving the blonde haired girl a sliver of privacy from the other souls around the graveyard. In fact she often drew beside his grave. But this time she was without her sketchbook. And in its place, was a waterfall of tears cascading down her cheeks. She slowly fell to her knees, resting her head in her hands.

The last time she felt this way was at her fathers funeral. She felt broken and battered. The bandages she had placed around her heart had ripped, and she was without comfort.

"I don't know what to do Dad." Her voice broke the eerie silence, increasingly so as the sun began to set over the horizon.

"I love her. And it. It hurts so much."

The her Clarke was referring too, was her best friend. The girl she had practically grown up with. The girl who was there for her, who got Clarke through every ordeal. Break ups, the occasional failed test, and of course Jake's death. She was the only one who could reach into the blondes mind after the accident. After Clarke had shut everybody else away, Lexa managed to ease her way through the barriers.

It was then, Clarke admitted, that she began to fall in love with the brunette beauty. Something that she figured she probably had done for years, but never really could explain it.

Their relationship was always past the boundaries of friends, often being compared to an old married couple by Raven and Octavia. But after Clarke's realisation, her and Lexa'a relationship became strained. And the brunette knew something was wrong, but didn't want to force it out of the blonde. She figured Clarke would tell her in time, but she never did.

Then when Lexa began to date Costia, a girl she had met at college; Clarke became more distant than ever. She was never with Lexa when Costia was around. It hurt her too much to witness the girl she was in love with, be with another.

Of course Raven and Octavia had both noticed the change in the blonde, and eventually pried it out of her. They were less than shocked, knowing both Clarke and Lexa's feelings for each other stretched past friendship. But Clarke refused to admit it to Lexa, despite much encouragement from her friends. She didn't want to lose Lexa anymore than she already had. It was a risk she wasn't willing or ready to take.

So, having run out of Lexa's 25th birthday party; after witnessing Costia propose to the girl she was in love with. Clarke stood before her fathers grave, still not knowing whether Lexa had said yes or no. She didn't want to hear the answer, she was too afraid.

"Costia proposed and, I ran out before she could answer. This isn't how it's supposed to go Dad. Now I'm going to lose her, probably forever. And there's nothing I can do."

It was then that Clarke broke down, her sobs overtaking her voice. Stealing her breath; breaking her heart. She felt like she couldn't breathe, but in that moment she didn't care. Clarke had given up, she had no energy left.

"I can't do it anymore. I c-can't be around her. I have to go. I have to leave. Every time I look at her with Costia it breaks me. And I can't break anymore Dad, I can't."

Her tears subsided once she was too tired to cry anymore. Instead, she kneeled with her head in her hands. Wishing the ground to just swallow her up so she didn't have to feel the pain of love anymore.

Before, love was the definition of beauty for Clarke. But now, it was nothing but a cruel emotion.

"I wish you were here. You always knew what to say."

"He didn't didn't he?"

Clarke rapidly spun around at the suddenly voice that shattered the quiet atmosphere. Her eyes widened, and instantly she began to feel the cold.

Lexa was standing very close by, leaning up against the oak tree. Clarke took a deep breath, trying to control her emotions. Not wanting to appear weak.

"W-what...why-"

"I saw you run out." Lexa interrupted, knowing exactly what a Clarke was about to ask her. "You...you just left."

Suddenly Clarke felt a pang of guilt hit her, she had run out of her best friends birthday because she couldn't control her emotions.

"Why?" Lexa suddenly asked, causing a feeling of dread to settle over Clarke.

"Why what?" Clarke queried.

"Why did you leave, without telling me?"

It was one of the many questions Clarke had dreaded Lexa ever asking her. Anything that would reveal her feelings towards the brunette made her panic. Especially when said brunette was asking the question.

"I was tired. And I had a lot of work to do, I'm sorry."

It was a pathetic and lame excuse, and Clarke knew that. But it was something to cover how she really felt. A mask she had been wearing for a while now.

"That's a lie and you know it. You forget how well I know you Clarke, especially when you're lying." Lexa admitted, glaring at the blonde.

"I'm not lying." Clarke tried once again, knowingly her feeble attempt was slowly breaking apart.

"Bullshit!" Lexa's voice rose, and suddenly Clarke could see this turning into an argument.

So she stood up, and began to slowly walk away. Hearing Lexa's footsteps follow behind her.

"Clarke why won't you just tell me what's wrong?"

No reply.

"I don't get it, have I done something wrong!?"

Still no reply.

"JESUS CLARKE JUST TELL-"

"IM IN LOVE WITH YOU OK! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR! I AM UTTERLY AND PATHETICALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?"

Silence bestowed upon the two. Lexa froze, reeling back in shock. She let the words slowly sink in, allowing her mind to process what Clarke had just told her.

The blonde wanted nothing more than for the ground to swallow her up, she wished go back in time. To never say the words that had just escaped her mouth and instead just lie.

She couldn't stay there any longer, watching Lexa process the information. She had to get out of there, she needed to get away. Clarke quickly spun around on her heel, away from Lexa and away from her fathers gravestone. She set off towards her car, parked on the curb outside the gates. However, before she could take another step, she felt a hand wrap firmly around her wrist. Preventing her from walking any further. She tugged gently against the grip, but it didn't falter.

"Lexa, please."

Clarke couldn't hold it together any longer. She had to get away. Being around Lexa messed with her mind, and she couldn't lose her best friend. It was safer to just disappear and assume they weren't friends anymore, without it being confirmed for her. She didn't think she could take hearing that.

Lexa noticed the pain swirling in Clarke's eyes, she knew she should let go. She knew the girl needed space. But Lexa didn't want to let go. So she remained with her hand firmly wrapped around Clarke's wrist.

"Lexa I-I can't"

"You can't what, Clarke?" Lexa didn't want to pry, but she had to know what was going on inside the blondes head.

"I can't be around you anymore." Clarke took a deep breath, steadying her voice, before continuing. "I can't be your friend, when all I want is more than that. More than you're willing to give. I can't stand around and watch you marry someone else, when all I can think about is how it should be me marrying you."

"Clarke-" Lexa tried to get her voice heard, but the babbling blonde wasn't stopping.

"It hurts too much Lex...a" She hoped the brunette hadn't noticed the slip, she hadn't used that nickname since Lexa and Costia became official. "I'm so broken, and I don't think I can't deal with seeing you marry someone else..."

"Clarke-!"

"Look I can't stay, I have to go. I don't want to lose you, but I just can't be around you without feeling like I want to break down. I can't cope with you and Costia. Because she's everything you deserve. And I can never be-"

"CLARKE!"

Instantly Clarke's rambling ceased, and she looked down at the ground. Not wanting to catch the emotion that she knew Lexa's eyes would be carrying.

"I said no."

At the confession, Clarke's eyes shot up and met the emerald green orbs before her. To her surprise, there was only only emotion that Clarke could distinctly tell was consuming the brunette. Joy.

"What? Why!?" Clarke's mind began to spiral into a thousand thoughts, fleeting away from her at a rapid speed.

"Because. She was never the one ya know. Sure I loved her, but I don't think I was in love with her, not properly anyway. I felt like she was more invested into the relationship than I was, and that wasn't fair to her. She..."

Lexa trailed off, unsure if she should release the final piece of information; regarding her choice of answer to Costia's proposition.

"She's not you, Clarke." Lexa spoke quietly, so quietly that the blonde barely got what she was saying.

But after the realisation, Clarke's eyes widened in shock. She couldn't speak, her whole body was frozen. She didn't know how to respond. Lexa decided to clear it up for her.

"We've been best friends for our whole lives now Clarke. I always loved you, as a friend. But, there was always something different with you. A new feeling that I'd experience when I was around you. I could never quite put my finger on it. Then once you began dating Finn." Clarke scoffed quietly at the memory, remembering what an awful choice that was. "Well he was a dick so I obviously hated him. But always a bit more than everyone else did. I put it down to the fact that we were so close. Now I realise I was, jealous. I didn't like how happy he made you at the start. I wanted to be the only one who made you feel like that. Then you broke up, and I wanted to wait. Wait until you had recovered, and then I would...tell you how I felt. Before I could, I met Costia."

She paused briefly, allowing Clarke to absorb all the information. And noticed her eyebrows furrow at the mention Costia.

"I did like her, I loved her. But there was always something missing. And it never felt that way with you, even though we weren't in a relationship. I figured, maybe that weird feeling of uncertainty would go away in time. But it never did. Which brings us to this evening." Lexa gulped visibly, before continuing. "I knew she organised the party. A big crowd, music that was too loud. I mean, she invited her friends for gods sake. People I've never met in my life who I'm expected to get along perfectly with."

"You hate all those things." Clarke mumbled, knowing better than anyone how fussy Lexa was when it came to parties.

"Exactly! That's when I started to feel like she didn't know me at all. Like I didn't want her to know me that way, because the only person who does; is you. Then she left me for a while, and I couldn't find you. It was my party, and I just wanted to go home. Then she suddenly reappeared, brought me to the centre of the room and then proposed."

"You hate grand gestures like that." Clarke began to feel resentment towards Costia, not even bothering to get to know Lexa as the blonde would've. Not that she didn't know everything there was to know about Lexa.

"You see. You know. And she doesn't have a clue. Then as she asked me to marry her, my first thought...was you. I tried to find you, but I just caught a glimpse of blonde hair running through the door. And all I wanted to do was to run after you and wrap you in my arms. And I knew then, that I couldn't marry Costia. I couldn't marry her because she barely knew me. I couldn't marry her, because there was always something missing. I couldn't marry her, because..."

Lexa trailed off, taking a deep breath; steadying her mind and heart from racing.

"Because she wasn't you, Clarke."

Clarke's eyes began to swim with tears, but this time they were filled with joy and love towards the brunette before her. None were burdened with the struggles of pain or heartbreak. She launched herself towards Lexa, enveloping her in a bone crushing hug. Almost as if letting go would mean losing her forever.

Lexa could hear and feel the sobs that racked the blondes body, and she wanted nothing more than to snap her fingers and stop the tears. She pulled back gently, hands resting tentatively on either each. Her thumb slowly caressing the soft skin beneath them.

"I love you Clarke Griffin. I'm in love with you." She whispered, almost like in that moment she wanted nobody else but her soulmate to hear.

"I'm in love with you too Lexa Woods."

The brunette leaned in even closer, brushing her lips gently against the blondes. She could feel her heart beating erratically, and swore she could hear Clarke's. Finally, when their lips connecting in a searing kiss. The fireworks erupted from beneath their skin. They felt as if the world stopped for a second, allowing them time to revel in each other's presence.

After what felt like hours, Clarke was the first to pull back. Tears still streaming down her cheeks.

"Clarke, why are you still crying?" Lexa stared deep into the baby blues, trying to figure out what was troubling the blonde.

"Because I've been dreaming about this happening for god knows how long now. And, I just feel like it's too good to be true. Like someone's going to come along and snatch this away from me. And I don't think I could cope anymore if they did." Clarke admitted, already missing the feeling of Lexa's lips against her own.

"Baby, nobody is going to take this away from you. This is real, I'm real, that kiss was mindblowingly real." Lexa told her, mimicking an explosion whilst describing the kiss.

"Baby?" Clarke genuinely smiled, for what felt like the first time in years.

"I missed that smile. I felt lost without it." Lexa began twirling a piece of Clarke's hair between her fingers. "And yes baby, because you're mine Clarke. I've wanted you to be mine for years, and no way is anybody else having you. Ever."

Clarke felt a wave of emotion overwhelm her. The shock of Lexa's feelings for her, finally reaching her mind.

"What about Costia?"

Clarke didn't even know where the question came from, but suddenly she was blurting it out. Causing Lexa to stiffen slightly.

"After she proposed, I didn't say anything. I just took her away from the crowd and into a little room in the back. Everyone was muttering and talking, they were all pretty shocked I hadn't said yes. So I talked to her, explaining to her why I couldn't marry her."

"What did you say?" Clarke pried, knowing she shouldn't but couldn't help the curiosity that took over her.

"I told her that I felt like there was something missing, that I was never truly in love with her. That I, loved someone else. Of course she was hardly reeling in shock when I told her I was in love with you. She told me she always guessed it, but she never said anything. She told me that sometimes she felt the same, that there was something missing. So we parted amicably, and wished each other luck. I guess we were never meant to be." Lexa just shrugged, but instantly grinned when she looked at Clarke.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She giggled, blushing under the brunettes intense gaze.

"I can't believe this happened. I never thought it would." Lexa felt on the verge of tears herself, the emotions of the evening finally reaching her all at once.

"Just promise me something?" Clarke asked, her tone serious.

"Anything."

"Never leave me. I don't think I could deal with-"

"Clarke I would never, ever leave you. Not even in my wildest dreams. You are it for me Clarke griffin. Whether you like it or not."

"That's when I knew that no matter what happened, as long as Clarke was by my side; it wouldn't matter." Lexa grinned lovingly at her wife sat below her.

Clarke looked back up at the brunette with the same gaze. She could feel tears prick her eyes, and all she wanted was to lose herself in Lexa.

"Thank you."

Lexa finished her speech, followed by a round of applause and whistles from the guests. But as all that was happening around them, both Clarke and Lexa's eyes were only on each other. Absorbing the love that they emitted for each other every second of the day. They looked deeply into the baby blues and the emerald greens, and neither wanted nothing more in the whole wide world. In the universe, in the entirety of space.

Apart from each other.


End file.
